At the beginning of this month I realized something was quite wrong with my soul; I couldn't figure it out though. It was nearly 11 p.m. one night when I said to Shawn, "My soul is sick and I am not sure why." Before I went to bed, I reread a portion from a collection of Henri Nouwen's works in the book Spiritual Formation (with Michal J. Christensen and Rebecca J. Laird).
God used Nouwen to cut me to the quick. I discovered that I was full of latent resentment. Frankly, I didn't know it. But resentment seepage was making its way through my soul, spreading like a cancer. I was aghast at my condition. I had been blind to it. Aren't we all blind to things in ourselves? Of course we are.
So, I began confessing every conceivable thing that I was resentful for. After initially realizing that I was full of resentment, it didn't take me long to start identifying what I was resentful about. Then--Purification. Cleansing.
I also confessed this resentment to my husband Shawn and some spiritual friends, and another lady that serves as sort of a spiritual director. Sometimes we're the last to know what is wrong. But I could tell I was off because internally, I had a critical spirit about several things. Granted, other people do feel the same way I do about these situations that were agitating my spirit, but that doesn't give me an excuse to let particular circumstances rule over me.
I was internally agitated and fuming. The Lord reminded me that if I was to be blameless in such a corrupt generation then I couldn't make a habit of complaining--even internally. But let me not kid myself, my complaints were surfacing more and more frequently sort of like a previously dormant but now active volcano. I was spewing volcanic ashes of complaints to a select few; it wasn't long though before my resentment would poison not only me but those around me. It had to stop.
That's why my soul was sick.