Sharpening perceptions of reality and providing spiritual guidance for those in the crux of wilderness experiences. Substantial spiritual nourishment for those who know or sense that Christ is anything but shallow. Encouraging readers to radically (which to Christ is normal) serve God and others.
The author is teaching herself and others to read the world through the lens of the gospel and to become active participants in the local and worldwide body of Christ.
Jun 24, 2012
Disappointment with God and Life ~ Connie Smith Jakab
my dad passed away six years ago, God led him to this scripture: “You will see
your children’s children…” (Psalm 128:6)
my dad was given this verse, he had a one in three chance to live with the
cancer he had. I suppose he decided to share this with me to give me hope and
comfort that he would live. A month later, he died.
you can imagine, I questioned God about this. Why give my dad this scripture
only to have his life end? I’ve struggled with this question till about two
struggled with wanting to have kids. Many women want kids and are excited about
it. For me, I wanted to excel in my career and ambitions that the thought of
kids scared me. I thought I’d never be able to achieve all I wanted to after I
had them. We finally had our first son when I was 31 years old. We had just
moved to Calgary to be with my mom as everyone in our family had died and she
was alone. Moving to Calgary was very hard on me. I was 8 months pregnant and
had nothing to do when I got here except walk my dog. I felt very alone. It
was like my life had ended. When my son, Ben was born it seemed like I would
never taste my dreams again.
is now four years later, and our son Christopher was just born in October.
Again, after having my first son I struggled with having another. As Ben grew
older, I started to gain more freedom to pursue dreams again. The thought of
going back to square one was overwhelming and sad for me. It seems each time
I’ve had a child there’s been a journey of death to myself as a part of the
process. I was enjoying being in ministry again and at the time of
Christopher’s birth, God again removed it from me.
journey for the last five years has been death. Death in my family, death to my
dreams, and death to self. If this sounds depressing, don’t worry, it gets
better! Through this journey I am discovering that God loves to turn death into
been so driven my whole life to achieve. To excel beyond mediocrity--I still
have that passion inside of me. However, something I’ve learned is that God’s
purpose and dream is THE ambition. And for me to invest all my energy into MY
dreams can be foolish – if it means forgetting the family He has given to me.
If, by me pursuing my own ambitions causes me to forget my sons, then it really
can be all lost.
to say that all that I’ve been through and will go through isn’t so that my sons
can grow to be strong in the Lord? Wouldn’t it be amazing if they grew up to
do far greater things than I could imagine! For God to release THEM!
Ironically, if God asked me what my greatest desire is, I could honestly tell
Him; For my sons to know Him and live their lives for His glory.
two years I didn't speak anything to God other than, "I'm so sorry." Somehow I
believed my father's death was God's disappointment in me. Shame turned to
bitterness, bitterness to emptiness. I would run as far away from God as I
could. Out of the blue, one day I started to pray for God to give me a desire
for Him again. To this day, I don't know what prompted my heart to pray for
this because it was not my desire. I prayed this prayer daily for one year
before I felt a hint of desire to live for God as I once did.
For me to come to this point in my life where I am
willing to say, “It is well with my soul” shows progress. For me to say: “Ok
God, if I never get to do what I wanted to accomplish, it’s ok.” Even though I
struggle even writing that sentence I know that God will use my life for His
purposes as long as my life is focused on HIS purpose and not my
my dad to share with me that God told him, “You will see your children’s
children” gives me hope that my sons will grow to serve God. That one day, they
will stand before Jesus and receive the crown He has for them. My dad WILL see
them – in heaven. Before, that verse made me mad. It brought tears of
disappointment to my eyes. But now? That verse gives me hope for my greatest
desire. And not only that, it reminds me that to live this life for me will
not be of any gain. But if I will see my role as a mom as a chance to raise up
two strong, mighty men - how amazing is that! That’s not mediocrity; it’s
greatness wrapped in what looks like a simple package.