From Resentment to Gratitude

I've been trying to post on this blog for about two weeks. However, my computer wouldn't let me sign-in. Alas, someone from computer services helped me out today. Do forgive my lapse.

At the beginning of this month I realized something was quite wrong with my soul; I couldn't figure it out though. It was nearly 11 p.m. one night when I said to Shawn, "My soul is sick and I am not sure why." Before I went to bed, I reread a portion from a collection of Henri Nouwen's works in the book Spiritual Formation (with Michal J. Christensen and Rebecca J. Laird).

God used Nouwen to cut me to the quick. I discovered that I was full of latent resentment. Frankly, I didn't know it. But resentment seepage was making its way through my soul, spreading like a cancer. I was aghast at my condition. I had been blind to it. Aren't we all blind to things in ourselves? Of course we are.

So, I began confessing every conceivable thing that I was resentful for. After initially realizing that I was full of resentment, it didn't take me long to start identifying what I was resentful about. Then--Purification. Cleansing.

I also confessed this resentment to my husband Shawn and some spiritual friends, and another lady that serves as sort of a spiritual director. Sometimes we're the last to know what is wrong. But I could tell I was off because internally, I had a critical spirit about several things. Granted, other people do feel the same way I do about these situations that were agitating my spirit, but that doesn't give me an excuse to let particular circumstances rule over me.

I was internally agitated and fuming. The Lord reminded me that if I was to be blameless in such a corrupt generation then I couldn't make a habit of complaining--even internally. But let me not kid myself, my complaints were surfacing more and more frequently sort of like a previously dormant but now active volcano. I was spewing volcanic ashes of complaints to a select few; it wasn't long though before my resentment would poison not only me but those around me. It had to stop.

That's why my soul was sick.

Thankfully, the Lord showed me what the problem was after I had implored him. Since then, I've been thanking him full-throttle for everything I can think of. I am seeking to find the grace in the difficult circumstances, circumstances that fuel my resentment. I can't get into detail here about what they are because of confidentiality. That's probably good; there's really no need to rehash them. I thank God instead of fume the moment I feel any resentment rising. It has set me free. The burden has lifted and I wish the same for you should you find yourself full of resentment.

Stealing Praises

"One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, 'Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?' Then he said to him, 'Rise and go; your faith has made you well.'" Luke 17:15-19

Have you ever had someone take your idea and run with it? Or perhaps a boss/supervisor take credit for your ideas and work? I have. It is so frustrating.  Perhaps you've labored for other's behalf, for their good without receiving so much as a thank you. Maybe like me, if you think about it too long, a twinge of bitterness unfolds within.

I think of Jesus healing the ten lepers. Not only did he heal them from sickness, but he delivered them from insults hurled at them, from begging, from societal shame. Once they were considered nobodies, pariahs, by those around them. Daily dehumanization. Now, because of Jesus' touch, they were normal. They treasured normal. Normal meant they could now work to provide for themselves and family. Normal meant they could go wherever they wanted--from the village market, to the temple, to visit family without having to yell, "Unclean! Unclean!"

Only one, a Samaritan at that, returned to heap thanks and praise upon Jesus. Jesus notices him and publicly applauds his act of faith.

Recently, when I was overlooked, I thought to myself, "Well really Lord, the glory is supposed to go to you. Really."  I remembered that he notices what we do in secret. I also remembered Colossians 3 where Paul admonishes us to do all for the glory of God, not for our own glory.

It should be enough for us to get our reward in heaven, even if we don't get it in this life. And many who get acknowledgment in this life--if they've done acts of righteousness for the wrong motives--may not get acknowledgment in the life to come.

God sees us though. God sees, even if no one else does. And if our obedience and love bring him joy and glory, let us be content that one day we'll get acknowledgment, we'll get a pat on the back from him. This is what we must tell ourselves for it is true and it will squelch bitterness.

Resentment

Nouwen on Resentment.

Here are Nouwen's comments in the context of Matthew 20:28 where James and John via their mother ask Jesus for the seats to the left and right of him when his kingdom comes.

"We, like the sons of Zebedee, want to be near power and reflected glory. And if we cannot sit on the throne we at least want to sit very close to it. If we do not dare to ask for this privilege ourselves, we let someone close to us ask for it. Jesus's teaching here is a reminder of our temptation to be like God, and of our resentment for not always being first in line or highly privileged. If we cannot attain the first place, we'll settle for the second place in the kingdom. Those who perceive themselves worthy of first place but have to be content with second place can only look upward with resentment and downard with suspicion. And then, in this competitive and jealous place, neither God nor humanity can be served.

When you cling to your complaints, your heart is full of resentment, and there is no room for God to enter and set you free. Resentment curtails the movement of the Spirit and diminshes the kingdom within. It replaces, faith, hope, and charity with fear, doubt, and rivalry. It makes an enormous difference in our personal and communal lives whether we respond to life in anger and resentment, or in love and gratitude."

This is from the book: Spiritual Formation: Following The Movements of the Spirit

--Henri Nouwen's work with Michael Christensen and Rebecca J. Laird. I highly recommend this book. Thank you to Christensen and Laird for putting these pieces of Nouwen's published and unpublished works and lectures together. We are indebted to you!