Banging Your Head Against the Wall

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." I Corinthians 10:13. 

One of the most frustratingly painful things in life is to watch someone go down the drain--knowingly make bad decisions--that lead to ruin-- despite loving warnings. Do you know of a friend or a loved one who continues to make bad decisions (primarily based on their feelings)? Perhaps he or she thinks this time around it'll be different--even when wisdom says otherwise.

I must say that as a teenager there was a time when I made a string of bad decisions. It started with one decision. I decided to date a non-believer even though I knew that the Lord forbade it. That one decision led to five years of pain, disillusionment, and darkness (and I must say, it's not only unbelievers that Christians shouldn't date. Some professing believers are not worth dating because they are unhealthy--they are enslaved to self and sin). I wish someone had said to me, "Marlena, don't do this." But even so. I was still responsible for my disobedience and much of the destruction I brought upon myself. Looking back, I remember asking, "God why did you allow this to happen to me?" What I at first didn't see is that I brought it on myself. It wasn't God's fault. No, no, God wasn't culpable. I was.

Perhaps that it is why it is so difficult for me to watch friends and loved ones knowingly enter poisonous, destructive, life-sucking relationships or watch them slowly circle the drain and then eventually go down the drain. They ask for advice. I give it. They reject it. I want to bang my head against the wall--especially when I am giving advice straight from Scripture.

But I must remember, that much of the time advice is easier given than followed. It can be very painful to do the right thing after we've stepped into a den vipers. Their bites stun us. We know we'll get bitten when we try to escape. But Oh! Better to get bitten on the way out than to remain inside.

It can be painful to do the right thing. But that pain, leads to life and healing. Whereas continuing on the road of destruction leads to death. Every time take the way of escape. God always provides one (I Cor. 10:13).

What you and I need to do...after we've given the advice sought from us is leave the person/situation in the hands of God. We cannot control people even if we intend their good. We must continue interceding on their behalf.

It's funny. Perhaps God feels this way all of the time. He gives us his commands and wisdom in love so that we might have life, but we choose death. He provides ways of escape after we've gotten into the most complicated of messes, but we don't take them. We then wonder why we're in the messes we are in. And blame him.

He will not force us to obey even though obedience leads to life.

If I feel like I am figuratively banging my head against the wall, does not the Lord? Maybe not. He is much more patient than me.

Romantic Advice and Musings - Red Flags

We become like the objects we love. So we must take utmost care where and on whom we set our affections. Just to be clear, God must have our highest affections. As we are captivated by him, enraptured with him, all other things are set in perspective. We see better. Without that, we steer off course, unless we are esconced in a more or less healthy Christian community where others flag us down and redirect us and we're willing to listen.

That said, whenever I am asked about relationships or a particular relationship this is one of the first things I ask: Do you have any red flags concerning him or her? Does your gut make you unsure of this relationship? If so, I'd pause, reexamine your relationship, or possibly get out of it. Now by red flags, I don't mean a few little annoying things, things that might irk you. But are there deep character issues, or something that you can't quite put your finger on, but some sort of insecapable feeling or evidence that makes you question the health of the person or relationship?

Have parents, friends, or others whose opinion you respect expressed doubts about the relationship or its health?

Could you marry this person as he or she is today? If you're honest with yourself could you? Could you live with them the way they are the rest of your life or 'till death do you part? If not, I would step by and reexamine the relationship. Do so in community, with those you trust. Never have a secretive relationship. Your family and friends should know well the one upon whom you set your affections. If we are in a secretive relationship it shows we have something to hide or are ashamed of.

The mistake a lot of us make is that we dismiss and devalue the negative opinions of those around us regarding our romantic relationships. We say, "They don't know him or her like I do." That is true. But they can observe things we might be blind to.

We must be very careful with whom we are entangled. They suffocate us, squeezing the life out of us, or they can entangle us in the holy life of God. It is a life or death thing these relationships. Even a good one is not perfect. But far better not to be in one, than to be in a bad one or one where your affections are taken off of God.

A good relationship helps you to be God-directed and others directed. Even professing Christians may be quite unhealthy. The label Christian cannot be the litmus test for believers considering marriage relationships or even a dating relationship. It must be Christian + health.

(This post of course is directed to those not married).