Awake and Alert

Since February 21st, I've been fasting from FB and from Twitter updates. I've taken a partial break from blogging. It's not because it's the "popular" thing to do either.

Since I am a writer, I interact with other writers and get ideas for writing by using FB and Twitter. I use social media for my work and calling and ministry. So for me to take a break or a fast from these doesn't make much sense from a human standpoint. It's risky. And to be honest, I miss interacting with with others. But it's worth it. Why?

Because I am more awake and alert. Agile. By tuning out the internet noise (don't get me wrong, I appreciate my FB friends and passing along good information on Twitter) I hear God's voice better. I can see better. It's a curative solution for my soul when it gets sluggish--when I take in more information than I can handle. It allows me to pay closer attention to God and to others and to the things I hear from the Spirit. Such a fast allows me to filter out the superficial and frees me from the tyranny of the urgent. It allows me to stare down loneliness.

My senses are heightened. I've become acutely aware of weaknesses and idols I was previously blind to. I confessed these to my husband Shawn just today while we ate lunch. I confessed them after confessing them to God last night.

Like someone in an AA meeting I've taken the first step in acknowledging who I am, in confessing my sins. And I wait for God to topple them--my idols--cooperating with him in whatever way necessary.

I think extended periods of silence and solitude--whatever form they take, are akin to Jesus' time in the wilderness. In these moments of silence and solitude our temptations are revealed to us and pull at us.  We see things we've not seen before because we're often too distracted.

We are reminded of our complete dependence on God.

Really I feel like a smoldering heap of nothingness for I'm acutely aware of how dependent I am on God for every little thing. Jesus says it's a good place to be but it doesn't feel so good. It leaves me feeling more vulnerable than ever.

But aren't I always this vulnerable just unaware of it?

Is Our God Talk Far Ahead of Our Behavior?

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I've parked myself in the book of James. I've been thinking about silence and how it is good to ruminate on our relationship with God, on what we know about him, and then reflect on whether or not we are really following Jesus. I've said this before; but we mistake God-talk for godly lives. We can talk very sophisticatedly about God and yet live a God-less life. It's a sort of functional atheism. It is also self-deception.

When I was younger and perhaps into my early twenties, I couldn't believe the unfaithfulness of the nation of Israel as recorded in Scripture. Time after time, God did miracles, proved himself faithful, yet they worshipped other gods. They had rebellious spirits and wandering hearts.

The other day I was thinking about it and realized that our church, I'll say the American Church because that is my context, is just like ancient Israel. We are anemic, ill Christians as a whole--although there are many, many,  incarnate icons of God walking around and drawing many to him--if we only have eyes to see them.

I think about my own life and wonder if I too am anemic. Where in my life does my God-talk exceed my God-living? Oh there are areas. Yes, there are. When we ask those questions of the Lord he will reveal things to us. For every deficiency in Christ character (deficiency in spiritual fruit) that I have, there is a corresponding fruit of the Spirit that God wants to grow in me.

So there needs to be times of silence and solitude in our lives--communal and individual reflection too--so we can get an idea of what fruit God is trying to grow in us. During these times, we must cease striving to right the wrongs in others and allow God to lovingly till our souls. Silence and a listening ear instead of a wagging tongue allow us to do that. As far as I go, I feel the Lord showing me that I need to train myself to pause when I am naturally inclined to speak. I just need to listen.  To listen.

I am a monastic activist by nature--a missional mystic I suppose. But the silence and stillness of the holy is calling to me. I need to reel that activity in. There are a million causes and needs all around me. But I need to retire to my cell, like Jesus, I need to head off to the lonely places in the wilderness to pray and be.

 Isaiah 30:15 says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...." That's what I mean. A rhythm of repentance and rest and quietness and trust is calling to me in this season. And as I get into that rhythm, I think that my God-talk and God-life will be more evenly matched. I will choose my words more carefully; my words will count for more.

I think this will be a year of further training in listening to God and others. May God have mercy on me a sinner and give me these graces.

Life-Transforming Silence

Only silence will allow us life-transforming concentration upon God. It allows us to hear the gentle God whose only Son "shall not strive, nor cry; neither shall any man hear his voice above the street noise (Matt. 12:19) It is this God who tells us that "in quietness and trust is your strength (Isa. 30:15 NAS).

~ Dallas Willard from The Spirit of the Disciplines

 

Solitude and Silence For the Sake of Others & More . . .

This is a reflection from my friend Jean Nevills, a fountain of wisdom--way up there near Portland, Oregon. Thank you Jean for these good words, words flowing from your solitude and silence!

Happy Easter Monday!

I was sitting this morning with the post-resurrection scenes in John 20 with Mary Magdalene, Peter and John, and especially with Thomas when I was surprised by the gospel writer (John) interrupting his gripping narrative. If it were a movie, there would be a freeze-frame with this voice-over:

“Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come (continue) to believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have Life in His Name.” Jn.20:30-31

It would have been enough for me to stay with Mary and Jesus in the Garden –or with the disciples in that locked room, or with Thomas in his doubting against all hope because it was all so impossible enough to stay with their bewilderment and dismay, their relief and confusion, their anxiousness, doubt, and wonder—that is enough to live with for a while.

But I was moved by John’s interruption of the narrative at this point because I felt his grasp on my shirt collar that pulled me into the Story. The inclusion surprised me, much like the way the Arsee Oromo surprised us at Kosovo when they put a robe upon our shoulders to honor us and made us part of them. Their story became my story that day in Ethiopia.

It was that kind of pull that I felt when I hit verse 31. At this point, the story is not only about Mary and the other disciples. The story is also about me. About my moving from wanting to believe to believing that Jesus is God’s Christ, and mine; that I may have Life in His Name—in His character and realty. Unlike Thomas who doubts against all hope until he can see to believe, I hope against all my doubts that believing, I may see, and clearly, my Lord and my God. And I pray for his Life to be realized in me.

John interrupted his narrative because the whole point of writing it was for my sake—or to borrow from Ruth Haley Barton’s chapter title: For the Sake of Others. Like John, she gets the point that is beyond writing the narrative, beyond practicing Silence and Solitude:

“…. the practices of solitude and silence do, in time, bring us full circle—back into life in the human community. Whether we have been away for a half an hour of solitude, and an extended retreat time or have dropped completely out of sight for a whle, God, in his time, does eventually bring us back to the life he has given us. Perhaps nothing in our external circumstances has changed, but we have changed, and that’s what our world needs more than anything. Without pressing or pushing or trying to do great altruistic deeds, we discover that much that happens in solitude and silence ends up being ‘for others’—as paradoxical as that may seem.” Pg. 131

In some ways, it relieves the guilt of “not getting anything done” by our practice, because, after all it ends up being for others, particularly the others that our life is lived in closest proximity with. And after it has its effect on us, it may even change them. And change our families, our work places, and eventually our world. I am hoping for that, I am looking for that, I am believing for that.

Three Important S's in Spiritual Formation

I am tired and exasperated today, and for no good reason. I was up until 2 a.m. So, I was tired and of course Iliana woke up earlier than I would’ve if I were childless. But I wouldn't trade her for anything. And she is sick. So it was hard for me to be awake. We watched a few cartoons and played.

I have been slow in realizing how important sleep is for my spiritual formation. If I don’t sleep, I am grouchy and tired…not the wife, or mother, or worker, or friend, or follower of Jesus I should be. The best thing I can do for myself, my family, and those around me is to sleep. Get enough sleep. That means I have to train myself to go to bed early. I need a lot of help. God help me! I need solitude, silence, and sleep.

Last week on retreat I had lots of solitude and silence, this week very little. May the Lord give me grace to be disciplined that I might receive more grace! Solitude, silence, and sleep are very important if we are to grow in grace and in knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ...if we are to live well...to live like Jesus would live if he were we.