Watching the Clock Tick Away

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Luke 16:10

This is a Repost from 7/2009

Last night as I lay in my warm bath, I was again wondering when God would fulfill a promise he made to me. I wonder about this promise much of the day everyday. And while I trust God that he will bring it about, I also do what is in my power to move towards this calling. But the waiting is diffcult and I wait in anticipation for the day when I'll no longer be waiting.

As I continued to lay there and ponder, the Lord brought this thought to me. "Marlena, your incessant pondering about this is like a student who sits in a classroom just itching for class to be over. All she does is glance up at the clock without really listening to what the professor is saying. Although present in the classroom, she is disengaged and learning nothing, all because her attention is on the clock--waiting for class time to wind down because she'd rather be somewhere else."

While my eyes are on the fulfillment of his promise, they are not on him. And I am therefore disengaged or not fully engaged with the rest of life. I am not fully paying attention to life right in front of me -- as if everything else in life doesn't matter as much as the fulfillment of the promise. That is idolatry, for I am loving the gift more than the giver. And I am missing out on so much. I must live the blessed life, not just ponder a future blessing yet to be revealed.

Who knows? God might take 25 years to fulfill his promise to me as he did with Abraham. Or it could be much sooner than I think. Only he knows when the fullness of time will be. Until then, I repent and ask God to give me the grace to be fully engaged right now. For as Jesus said, if he can trust me with the little of the everyday, he can trust me with very much. Can he trust me?

Note: This prayer is still unanwered and yet I seek to live in the sacrament of the present moment.

St. Meinrad's and a Dose of Comfort

Hebrews 2:17-18, "For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."



I spent several days last week on a retreat at St. Meinrad's Monastery in St. Meinrad, Indiana. It's an hour west of Louisville and just east of Evansville, Indiana on I-64. We crossed the Ohio river twice, once in Cincinnati and another time in Louisville, Ky and travelled through the green rolling hills of southern Indiana to get there. I didn't realize that Indiana had hills. That part of the state is beautiful and I found out that it is renown for its caves. It was about a three-hour and 40 minute drive from where I live. My husband and my 2 year old, Iliana, dropped me off. Shawn was most gracious by staying with her for a few days while finishing up his grading. I wasn't sure how she'd do without mommy, or how he'd do with little sleep, but both were fine. The retreat was a birthday present from Shawn.

My eyes and soul were nourished during my stay. I spent a lot of time alone, praying and reading. Twice out of 3 possible times I attended 5:30 a.m. morning prayer --vigils and lauds (praise) with the monks in the Arch Abbey, 1 of 7 in the world. The second day I had intended to, but I inadvertenly turned off the volume on my phone, so of course I couldn't hear the alarm.

I read quite a bit from the writings of Charles De Foucauld, Carlo Carretto, and John Chrysostom. I also finished reading Phantases by George MacDonald (C.S. Lewis' and J.R.R. Tolkien's literary mentor). I also spent time talking to the seminarians, those men going to seminary to be Roman Catholic priests. I remember their names and found them most winsome and Christ loving. Our conversations and their demeanor encouraged my soul. Their congregations will be blessed.

I appreciated our unity and our love for the Lord, even though there were some areas, as far as doctrine is concerned, where we politely disagreed. All I have is praise for the monks, the seminarians, and the landscape of that place. Also, for Joan, my very warm and hospitable tour guide. She offered to give me an inside tour even though official tours were on Saturdays, when I wouldn't be around. Oh and I can't forget to mention Kathy, the Guest House administrative assistant, whose warmth and helpful information made my stay what it was. She had just finished undergoing radiation for breast cancer after months of chemo. I'll continue to pray for her.

One of the most encouraging experiences on my retreat was Tuesday morning, May 5th. It was probably 6:45 a.m. after I ate breakfast alone in the guest house. I sat at the breakfast table, peering out the window with a view of the green lawn, tree line, monastery and Arch Abbey. I was gazing at the Abbey's spires which seemed to poke the sky and all of a sudden I burst out with a lament to the Lord. I was very sad for my father who is in the throws of mental illness and whose actions resulting from his illness has, sad to say, divided my family. I told the Lord that I was very sad that my family was fractured. The moment I finished uttering my internal prayer of lament , he said to me, "I understand, my family is fractured too."

I can't explain it, but the Lord's crystal clear words to me deeply comforted my soul. And although, if I thought about it, I'd consider it quite obvious that his family is fractured, prior to his words to me, I wasn't thinking about the fact that he can relate to me in that way.

But then his words brought to mind Hebrews 2:17-18, "For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

I will remember his words to me and the comfort I received and how in his comforting words to me he again confirmed the truth of Hebrews 2:17-18. Amen.

An Update / Bearing Each Other's Burdens.

I am spending time writing and revising a book proposal for a possible book deal. All is tentative. So I have not written in a very long time. Today is Good Friday. I think about Christ on the Cross and how he bore the sins and burdens of the world. I think of the burdens that I bear for others, how I take many with me to the throne of grace through prayer and how there are a few good souls that pray for me. Sometimes I get overwhelmed but the sheer number of difficulties and burdens that others around me bear and whose burdens I seek to bear (bear one another's burdens...). But then I was thinking. If we all bore each other's burdens like we're supposed to, then no one person would be overwhelmed.

The problem is that some of us make up for those who should be bearing burdens by bearing too many and too much. So let us do what the body of Christ should do, bear each other's burdens! That way some will not get burnt out and we'll be living in obedience. A simple observation I think, but with profound implications. And if you're reading this remember that Christ through the apostle James tells us to confess our sins to one another that we may be healed. Let us give thanks to the Lord for bearing and forgiving our sin and let us give thanks for those in our lives who joyfully come alongside us. Are we coming alongside others in a healthy way?

What is that to you? The Folly of Envy

“What is that to you? You must follow me.” -- John 22:21

Hebrews 12:2 tells us to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. Yet at times during the race, we take our eyes off him. What diverts our attention from Christ? Sideline distractions? Other participants?

Imagine running a race and then suddenly hearing the quick strides and controlled breathing of another runner. As the runner approaches, you sneak a quick peek to determine the runner’s proximity to you and whether or not you recognize the face. And then it happens: in the split second it took you to turn your head you drifted off the path, tripped and fell into a ditch. You’re livid. There’s no use getting up now. The other runner is way ahead. You’ll come in last for sure. So you lay there, staring at the sky, sulking in the ditch, bitterly complaining to the Lord, “Why’d you let me fall? You could’ve prevented it. You could’ve made me faster. It’s not fair that so and so is ahead. So and so is always getting ahead of me.” You grow angry at and envious of so and so. As you fume in the ditch, runners pass by. A few slow down, beckoning you to get up and keep running. You ignore them. You’d rather stay wallowing in the ditch of dejection.

In John 21:15-20, Jesus identifies Peter’s calling and reveals details about Peter’s death. Yet Peter didn’t ponder his calling or the specifics of his death. Instead, his first impulse was to turn when he noticed John and ask, “Lord, what about him?” (John 21:21). Peter wants to know what the Lord plans on doing with John’s life and how John would die. Jesus gently rebukes him, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me” (John 21:22). In essence Jesus was saying, “Peter, don’t concern yourself with John, concern yourself with me. Keep your eyes on me, fulfill what I’ve just commissioned you to do and leave John’s life in my hands.”

Do you get tripped up because you’re too busy focusing on others instead of Christ? Do you compare and then become discouraged because of their abilities, beauty, or accomplishments? Do you question God about your own pace and wonder why he hasn’t given you the opportunities he has given them? When you do that, bitterness towards God and envy towards others creeps into your soul. Your race comes to a screeching halt. You’re in the ditch. In the sin filled ditch of envy, we project our values on God acting as if he values the object of our envy and the role he has ordained for him or her to play more than he values us. However, it is we who place a higher value on that person, not God.

When we do this, Jesus says to us, “What is that to you? Follow me.” Jesus did not let any person or thing deter him from accomplishing what he was sent to do.

“Envy is the ulcer of the soul.” --Socrates--

Monk Habits for Everyday People

I just finished reading Monk Habits for Everyday People by Dennis Okholm. My husband picked it up for me at the annual meeting of the Evangelical Theological/ Philosophical Society in Providence, RI. It is a very insightful book. In it, Okholm demonstrates why Benedictine Spirituality (St. Benedict's Rule) should be appropriated in the Protestant context. I remember reading through St. Benedict's Rule in seminary and I found it very helpful. Okholm does a good job of persuading the reader of the benefits of following Benedictine habits. These habits are nothing new, they are habits that I believe should be part of the everyday Christian life--thus the title.

Thank you Dennis and thank you Roman Catholic brothers and sisters for showing us another way in which to follow Jesus more closely.

Intentional

Here is a simple reminder to myself and readers. We have to be intentional about following hard after Christ. Intentional about taking up our cross and following Christ, about taking every thought that raises itself against God captive. To continue on the journey to Zion, we must look to him and focus on him.

Angels Demons & the Supernatural

We forget that we're not battling against flesh and blood alone. We Christians live as though the supernatural doesnt' exist as if we don't have an enemy. I heard Erwin Lutzer, a pastor at Moody Church in Chicago say, " Imagine if you were in a war and didn't know it . . . you'd be in trouble right?" Right. We are oppressed sometimes by the evil one and his minions. God tells us to be vigilant lest we be devoured by our enemy who has come to steal kill and destroy. Lets not forget that.